The Loss of the White Knights

Since childhood, I have always loved music.  Some songs have a great beat- other songs have great lyrics- best of all, some songs have both.  There are many women in music who I flip on when I need empowerment... After a break up: Alicia Keys - A Woman's Worth.  Feeling disrespected at work: Aretha Franklin -Respect.  Being told I can't do something: Gwen Stefani- I'm Just a Girl.  Feeling misunderstood: Meredith Brooks- Bitch. 

These songs are written and performed to speak to us and motivate us to survive a situation.  Now of course Beyonce can stand up on stage and perform Single Ladies or Independent Women because she's a multi-millionaire and makes more money walking out of her house than I do in a whole year.

I have always been fiercely independent.  Probably too independent for my own good.  I worked as soon as I was able to so I could buy things for myself that my parents couldn't take away from me.  This pattern continued on into my adult years- me slowly claiming responsibility of one thing at a time... Until now, where everything I own is mine and I hold no financial responsibility to anyone (except Wells Fargo that ties me down and steals all my money once a month).  Also, my mom still pays my EZPass ( thanks mom!!)

I never wanted to rely on anyone because growing up, I saw my mom get screwed over by every person in her life.  I developed a fear of the White Knights of the world- the ones who picked us up so high and let us fall that much further.

This is the first time in my life I genuinely feel like I need the help of others.  It is the first time I need a White Knight... and he is no where to be found.  It makes me wonder if this is the state of the world right now- or if I've been my own White Knight for so long that I scared all the people in my life from ever trying to save me from my figurative dragons.

Until I figure this out,  I will listen to the ultimate cheesy womens anthem: Man, I Feel Like a Woman (Shania Twain). 

The Worst Time Of Day

For me, the worst time of day is the moment between when my head hits the pillow and the moment I fall asleep.  It is always during this time that my thoughts turn dark and I begin to feel really sad.  I've been finding myself doing that more and more lately and I don't know how to escape this time period.

Tonight, I tried Benadryl... and I'm still awake.

I feel guilty for complaining about my job while school is in session.  Now that it is summer and I've officially lost my motivation to do anything/do anything productive... I remember how much I value being busy.  I miss that feeling of accomplishment, pride, and maybe even of the frustrations of daily life ( a little). One of the many benefits of working is that it gives us a lot of time to keep our mind off of things that we do not want to think about.

Tonight my thoughts turn to myself and the issues I've faced throughout my life, and will likely continue to face throughout my future and I find myself having a lot of feelings of inadequacy.  These feelings and thoughts are mostly private, but since no one reads this blog, I guess this is technically a private thought. 

At many points in my 22 (and 5/6) years of life, I have battled with feelings of worthlessness- or rather that I am not worth x in exchange for y.  I have heard stories of little girls who heroically ripped the box of cigarettes out of their dads hand and said Daddy, you can't smoke for me!  And dads who responded by quitting.  This topic of dads is where this issue has stemmed from.

 Like most women who grew up without fathers, I feel betrayed by someone who should have loved me endlessly.  Someone who should have loved me more than drugs or freedom or anything else.  Obviously this has not happened for me, and it is now like I use this feeling as a bargaining chip in other arenas of my life- with friends, boyfriends, and even my brother, Hunter. If someone doesn't answer my calls for 2 months, I feel like I'm not worth them picking up.  If someone puts me down or makes me feel inadequate, I feel like I'm not worth their respect.  Most painfully, if someone isn't willing to love me, I feel worthless.  I understand this is not a healthy thinking pattern and I swear, you can ask Mark Falango, my ex therapist that I have scrutinized over this issue ( and many others) for years.

This idea of worth is what sits on my mind tonight as I lay here- in the zone between laying down and slumber.  This message is the only thing that I have to flush my mind of this topic as it's a hard concept for those not in my shoes to grasp.  I mostly talk to Nina, my dog, but shes snoring on my pillow right now, so I figure it would be better to not wake her.  Thanks for listening.

Are You A Child?

Yesterday,  a very smart (and beautiful) friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that has been rolling around inside my brain ever since.  She told me that you shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.  I'm going to type it again to let it really sink in:

You shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.

I'm certain that there is no list of violators of this statement, but if there was, I would be on the top of it.  For the first time in my life, I have found myself appreciating people too much. 

It is acceptable to reward the little things at my job: "oh you did your homework, here's a sticker!" or "you did so well on your test, you can have 5 extra minutes of recess".  However, these rewards are given to children... an although some of the people in my life ACT like children, does not mean that I should reward them...like...children.


For example, relationships.  Picture this: a person you're in a relationships yells and curses at you every single time you have a disagreement about something.  It could be as minute as you calling them too much or as serious as jealousy or possible infidelities, but regardless of the issue- they really give it to you every time.  Then one day, you have an argument about something, and they don't yell. They don't even raise their voice.  They say the things they mean, avoid the use of passive aggression and sarcasm, and they let you speak. 

And the world stops for you.

You are just so appreciative that they are really beginning to change and mature and grow up.  You are so thrilled that they have been listening to your frantic requests for respect and solution-oriented conversations that you go out and buy them a new pair of jeans or take them out for dinner or give them a back massage. You see rainbows and gumdrops and you start skipping everywhere and singing in the shower and laughing.

Classical conditioning tells us that rewarding someone for good behavior enough times, in a meaningful way can change their behavior.

And yet, the next night, plans change or an ex-boyfriend calls you up right out of the blue and the fight is right back to the same ground shaking, uvula rocking argument that it has always been.

And how far you have fallen from grace...

So to my two readers, heed this warning : do not reward others for things they should already be doing.  This is the fast track to being taken advantage of.

You Need Everyones Eyes Just To Feel Seen

I have been going out with the most awful guys lately. I mean it - really just terrible, not good people. Not that I'm the poster child of sainthood, but honestly - these guys seem to have no direction their moral compass.

I meet this guy in the dog park, right? Where I meet most of my new friends these days. So we're talking and it turns out he has a good job, that he likes. It's always refreshing to me to meet someone who doesn't complain about their job. So he meets all the obvious criteria - semi-well dressed, relatively normal, has a job, likes dogs (more importantly, likes my dog), physically fit, semi-intelligent, and actually very funny (but not funnier than me). So he asks for my number and I go ahead and give it to him.

He texted me immediately... Like, while he was still in sight (and i have bad vision) telling me that it was nice to meet me, blah blah blah. So already I've kicked into my panic committal world where I feel suffocated. I gotta get back in therapy. Anyway, I didn't respond because do you know how hard it is to walk a dog and text at the same time? It's impossible.

So I get home, and I already have two additional text messages from this guy. One is about Nina and one is about (and I kid you not) his counter tops. Like somehow in the last 14 minutes our union became so strong that I care about the quality of his future counter tops.

So, against my better judgment, I agree to meet this guy for a drink. 6:30pm on a Thursday... I thought it had the potential to be fun and if not, I had plenty of time to salvage the rest of the night.

So I show up fifteen minutes late because it takes me 25 minutes to say bye to Nina every single time I try and leave the house. And the dude is wasted drunk. Like he's been sitting there for three hours just waiting for my arrival... sending out text messages about counter tops and commitment to all his other potential dates. So I sit down, and before he says anything even remotely resembling a greeting, he says "How many dates is it going to take for me to fuck you?".

It's the first time in my life I can remember being completely speechless. My brain was screaming "a zillion" but instead I said this "___________". Couldn't even formulate one word. I picked up my purse and left.

If my life ever gets this sad, someone please- remove my phone and the bottle of alcohol from my hands and lock me in my room until I snap out of it.

The Real World

I was so excited to get out of college and into the real world. And don't get me wrong, I definitely love it a lot, certainly a lot more than I loved college. But it's different.

First of all, the weeks really fly by. I feel like I fall asleep Monday night and wake up to Friday morning. And worst of all, when I look back on the week - I can't actually place what I ate, when - what I wore, when - and who I saw, when. It's actually kind of freaking me out... Could I possibly have early onset Alzheimers? I'm going to Google it...

The other thing that I'm noticing, and saddened by is that people (and now me) take their lives a lot more seriously. Suddenly I do things like cut coupons, and contemplate which dishwasher detergent will be more effective. I spent TEN MINUTES trying to decide which facewash to buy. TEN MINUTES. Last week, I bought a 15 pound bag of dog food for Nina because I stood in Target and calculated that it was less dollars per pound than the smaller bag. WTF. Now, I cook for myself and know when trash night is. I have a check book. Actually I have seven checkbooks and one of those leather checkbook holders that I haven't seen since my Mom used it in 1993. When people call me, I call them back... I almost bought one of those cell phone things you can attach onto the waist of your pants (close call there). I put all of my shirts that show any amount of cleavage into a drawer, and I haven't opened it since I moved in. I own candles. And picture frames. It's like the carefree me, has morphed into some freakishly responsible human being I've never met before.


...I hang out with married couples...

My job is so rewarding, and the kids are absolutely amazing. But I need to snap out of this pattern before it gets the best of me. I mean, honestly- I do the dishes. Like, right when I'm done using them. I wonder if TLC has come out with a show for people like me yet?...

The Friendship Equation

Throughout my four semi-adult years of college, I've gotten to know a LOT of different people - partially because college is a petri dish for new relationships, and partially because I find myself talking to strangers a lot more than the average person. Some people, mostly my friends themselves find this to be very strange, and at times it has been. I've definitely met some real weird people through these encounters but I've also met some amazing people just by saying 'God Bless You' to someone in the library or dancing with people I don't know to Don't Stop Believin' at 1:54 a.m.

I read this book once about the importance of networking - not even in a professional manner just personally. It talked about the unbelievable benefits of knowing a lot of people and it has stuck with me ever since.

I try and meet one new person a day, but it doesn't always happen that way. I fall short of that some days and it becomes highly condensed at other times, like on the weekends, maybe meeting 6 or 7 new people in a three day span. For the sake of round numbers and this equation, we're going to call it one person a day. Think about it..

After 1 year, I will have met and could tell you at least 1 thing about 365 new people. With the natural ebb and flow of relationships, people lose touch, girlfriends and boyfriends break up, neighbors move away - so lets call it an even 300 new people a year.

After 5 years 1500 people who would have never known who Sara Watts is, now know my name and probably that I want to be a teacher, love mermaids, and think my little brother is the shit and even if half of those people forget who I am - I have gained 750 new acquaintances in 5 years. That's huge. HUGE.

Someone out of those 750 people knows a job that is hiring, has a friend who needs a roommate, is giving away a puppy to a good home, gets a 40% discount on North Faces, is an awesome running partner, is having a BBQ this weekend, makes a mean baked Mac & Cheese, or has an excess of rolls of Lifesavers they're giving away. And in exchange for whatever obscure specialty I have to offer, I am more than happy to get to know that little slice of their life.

So, if I've ever approached you in the SAC, sent you a vague message on facebook about the death of your goldfish (rip gwenevere) , asked you to work on a homework assignment, invited you to have lunch, or given you rolls of toilet paper because my dad works for Kleenex, and you questioned my intentions, don't.

Who can afford to not take advantage of friendships on the road to success??

The Mexican Standoff

No matter what anyone else tells you, know that the mexican standoff is the single most important part of a new relationship. Right now you're probably picturing two western dressed gentlemen walking slowly away from each other, in opposite directions, hand on their pistols, ready to turn and shoot on the count of three.

Unless you really want to hook the Dog the Bounty Hunter look-alike you met at the bar last night, I don't suggest ACTUALLY using a gun to win your mexican standoff. In fact, the key to winning a mexican standoff is to actually.....do.....nothing.

For most people, it's harder than it seems... (take advantage of this)

SO - what is a mexican stand off?

Picture this: It's Friday night, you're out at a bar or sitting in a coffee shop or reading a book in Rittenhouse. For all I care you could be walking your dog or reading greeting cards or buying hotdogs. It doesn't matter where you are, it just matters that you're somewhere where there's other people. And when you glance up from your fifth beer, chai latte, steamy novel, hallmark greeting, or package of wieners someone catches your eye.

Naturally, we as human beings feel the overwhelming urge to talk to them (for the 'what if' factor). Now, not everyone will - eliminating about half of the human population from being eligible to participate in a mexican standoff at any given moment. But lets say you do...and they seem interested. You will probably joke back and forth with them long enough to determine basic common interests, each others first names (if you're smart), to ensure they're bearable enough to hang out with again, and to exchange numbers. And then you go your separate ways.

This is the moment the mexican standoff begins.

The mexican standoff ends when someone breaks the silence for the first time.

Hopeless romantics, cover your eyes and stop reading here. Hit the back button, click X. The reality of EVERY relationship, but especially romantic ones is that whoever cares less, holds more power. Whether you want to admit it or not - relationships are a game.

And the outcome of the mexican standoff is the first gauntlet in what, could potentially, turn out to be a marathon of battles.

How to win a mexican standoff:

At all costs, don't, for any reason, even when drunk (especially when drunk) contact that person until they contact you. AGAIN, don't do it. Ever. For any reason. EVER.

Why?

If a person wants to talk to you or see you again, they'll make it happen. If they don't, fuck them, call me and we'll go out for drinks.

Trust me, I don't know a lot about a lot - but I am the queen of the mexican standoff. Losing one could be detrimental to your health and my credibility.