Are You A Child?

Yesterday,  a very smart (and beautiful) friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that has been rolling around inside my brain ever since.  She told me that you shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.  I'm going to type it again to let it really sink in:

You shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.

I'm certain that there is no list of violators of this statement, but if there was, I would be on the top of it.  For the first time in my life, I have found myself appreciating people too much. 

It is acceptable to reward the little things at my job: "oh you did your homework, here's a sticker!" or "you did so well on your test, you can have 5 extra minutes of recess".  However, these rewards are given to children... an although some of the people in my life ACT like children, does not mean that I should reward them...like...children.


For example, relationships.  Picture this: a person you're in a relationships yells and curses at you every single time you have a disagreement about something.  It could be as minute as you calling them too much or as serious as jealousy or possible infidelities, but regardless of the issue- they really give it to you every time.  Then one day, you have an argument about something, and they don't yell. They don't even raise their voice.  They say the things they mean, avoid the use of passive aggression and sarcasm, and they let you speak. 

And the world stops for you.

You are just so appreciative that they are really beginning to change and mature and grow up.  You are so thrilled that they have been listening to your frantic requests for respect and solution-oriented conversations that you go out and buy them a new pair of jeans or take them out for dinner or give them a back massage. You see rainbows and gumdrops and you start skipping everywhere and singing in the shower and laughing.

Classical conditioning tells us that rewarding someone for good behavior enough times, in a meaningful way can change their behavior.

And yet, the next night, plans change or an ex-boyfriend calls you up right out of the blue and the fight is right back to the same ground shaking, uvula rocking argument that it has always been.

And how far you have fallen from grace...

So to my two readers, heed this warning : do not reward others for things they should already be doing.  This is the fast track to being taken advantage of.