The Worst Time Of Day

For me, the worst time of day is the moment between when my head hits the pillow and the moment I fall asleep.  It is always during this time that my thoughts turn dark and I begin to feel really sad.  I've been finding myself doing that more and more lately and I don't know how to escape this time period.

Tonight, I tried Benadryl... and I'm still awake.

I feel guilty for complaining about my job while school is in session.  Now that it is summer and I've officially lost my motivation to do anything/do anything productive... I remember how much I value being busy.  I miss that feeling of accomplishment, pride, and maybe even of the frustrations of daily life ( a little). One of the many benefits of working is that it gives us a lot of time to keep our mind off of things that we do not want to think about.

Tonight my thoughts turn to myself and the issues I've faced throughout my life, and will likely continue to face throughout my future and I find myself having a lot of feelings of inadequacy.  These feelings and thoughts are mostly private, but since no one reads this blog, I guess this is technically a private thought. 

At many points in my 22 (and 5/6) years of life, I have battled with feelings of worthlessness- or rather that I am not worth x in exchange for y.  I have heard stories of little girls who heroically ripped the box of cigarettes out of their dads hand and said Daddy, you can't smoke for me!  And dads who responded by quitting.  This topic of dads is where this issue has stemmed from.

 Like most women who grew up without fathers, I feel betrayed by someone who should have loved me endlessly.  Someone who should have loved me more than drugs or freedom or anything else.  Obviously this has not happened for me, and it is now like I use this feeling as a bargaining chip in other arenas of my life- with friends, boyfriends, and even my brother, Hunter. If someone doesn't answer my calls for 2 months, I feel like I'm not worth them picking up.  If someone puts me down or makes me feel inadequate, I feel like I'm not worth their respect.  Most painfully, if someone isn't willing to love me, I feel worthless.  I understand this is not a healthy thinking pattern and I swear, you can ask Mark Falango, my ex therapist that I have scrutinized over this issue ( and many others) for years.

This idea of worth is what sits on my mind tonight as I lay here- in the zone between laying down and slumber.  This message is the only thing that I have to flush my mind of this topic as it's a hard concept for those not in my shoes to grasp.  I mostly talk to Nina, my dog, but shes snoring on my pillow right now, so I figure it would be better to not wake her.  Thanks for listening.