Since childhood, I have always loved music. Some songs have a great beat- other songs have great lyrics- best of all, some songs have both. There are many women in music who I flip on when I need empowerment... After a break up: Alicia Keys - A Woman's Worth. Feeling disrespected at work: Aretha Franklin -Respect. Being told I can't do something: Gwen Stefani- I'm Just a Girl. Feeling misunderstood: Meredith Brooks- Bitch.
These songs are written and performed to speak to us and motivate us to survive a situation. Now of course Beyonce can stand up on stage and perform Single Ladies or Independent Women because she's a multi-millionaire and makes more money walking out of her house than I do in a whole year.
I have always been fiercely independent. Probably too independent for my own good. I worked as soon as I was able to so I could buy things for myself that my parents couldn't take away from me. This pattern continued on into my adult years- me slowly claiming responsibility of one thing at a time... Until now, where everything I own is mine and I hold no financial responsibility to anyone (except Wells Fargo that ties me down and steals all my money once a month). Also, my mom still pays my EZPass ( thanks mom!!)
I never wanted to rely on anyone because growing up, I saw my mom get screwed over by every person in her life. I developed a fear of the White Knights of the world- the ones who picked us up so high and let us fall that much further.
This is the first time in my life I genuinely feel like I need the help of others. It is the first time I need a White Knight... and he is no where to be found. It makes me wonder if this is the state of the world right now- or if I've been my own White Knight for so long that I scared all the people in my life from ever trying to save me from my figurative dragons.
Until I figure this out, I will listen to the ultimate cheesy womens anthem: Man, I Feel Like a Woman (Shania Twain).
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Worst Time Of Day
For me, the worst time of day is the moment between when my head hits the pillow and the moment I fall asleep. It is always during this time that my thoughts turn dark and I begin to feel really sad. I've been finding myself doing that more and more lately and I don't know how to escape this time period.
Tonight, I tried Benadryl... and I'm still awake.
I feel guilty for complaining about my job while school is in session. Now that it is summer and I've officially lost my motivation to do anything/do anything productive... I remember how much I value being busy. I miss that feeling of accomplishment, pride, and maybe even of the frustrations of daily life ( a little). One of the many benefits of working is that it gives us a lot of time to keep our mind off of things that we do not want to think about.
Tonight my thoughts turn to myself and the issues I've faced throughout my life, and will likely continue to face throughout my future and I find myself having a lot of feelings of inadequacy. These feelings and thoughts are mostly private, but since no one reads this blog, I guess this is technically a private thought.
At many points in my 22 (and 5/6) years of life, I have battled with feelings of worthlessness- or rather that I am not worth x in exchange for y. I have heard stories of little girls who heroically ripped the box of cigarettes out of their dads hand and said Daddy, you can't smoke for me! And dads who responded by quitting. This topic of dads is where this issue has stemmed from.
Like most women who grew up without fathers, I feel betrayed by someone who should have loved me endlessly. Someone who should have loved me more than drugs or freedom or anything else. Obviously this has not happened for me, and it is now like I use this feeling as a bargaining chip in other arenas of my life- with friends, boyfriends, and even my brother, Hunter. If someone doesn't answer my calls for 2 months, I feel like I'm not worth them picking up. If someone puts me down or makes me feel inadequate, I feel like I'm not worth their respect. Most painfully, if someone isn't willing to love me, I feel worthless. I understand this is not a healthy thinking pattern and I swear, you can ask Mark Falango, my ex therapist that I have scrutinized over this issue ( and many others) for years.
This idea of worth is what sits on my mind tonight as I lay here- in the zone between laying down and slumber. This message is the only thing that I have to flush my mind of this topic as it's a hard concept for those not in my shoes to grasp. I mostly talk to Nina, my dog, but shes snoring on my pillow right now, so I figure it would be better to not wake her. Thanks for listening.
Tonight, I tried Benadryl... and I'm still awake.
I feel guilty for complaining about my job while school is in session. Now that it is summer and I've officially lost my motivation to do anything/do anything productive... I remember how much I value being busy. I miss that feeling of accomplishment, pride, and maybe even of the frustrations of daily life ( a little). One of the many benefits of working is that it gives us a lot of time to keep our mind off of things that we do not want to think about.
Tonight my thoughts turn to myself and the issues I've faced throughout my life, and will likely continue to face throughout my future and I find myself having a lot of feelings of inadequacy. These feelings and thoughts are mostly private, but since no one reads this blog, I guess this is technically a private thought.
At many points in my 22 (and 5/6) years of life, I have battled with feelings of worthlessness- or rather that I am not worth x in exchange for y. I have heard stories of little girls who heroically ripped the box of cigarettes out of their dads hand and said Daddy, you can't smoke for me! And dads who responded by quitting. This topic of dads is where this issue has stemmed from.
Like most women who grew up without fathers, I feel betrayed by someone who should have loved me endlessly. Someone who should have loved me more than drugs or freedom or anything else. Obviously this has not happened for me, and it is now like I use this feeling as a bargaining chip in other arenas of my life- with friends, boyfriends, and even my brother, Hunter. If someone doesn't answer my calls for 2 months, I feel like I'm not worth them picking up. If someone puts me down or makes me feel inadequate, I feel like I'm not worth their respect. Most painfully, if someone isn't willing to love me, I feel worthless. I understand this is not a healthy thinking pattern and I swear, you can ask Mark Falango, my ex therapist that I have scrutinized over this issue ( and many others) for years.
This idea of worth is what sits on my mind tonight as I lay here- in the zone between laying down and slumber. This message is the only thing that I have to flush my mind of this topic as it's a hard concept for those not in my shoes to grasp. I mostly talk to Nina, my dog, but shes snoring on my pillow right now, so I figure it would be better to not wake her. Thanks for listening.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Are You A Child?
Yesterday, a very smart (and beautiful) friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that has been rolling around inside my brain ever since. She told me that you shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing. I'm going to type it again to let it really sink in:
You shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.
I'm certain that there is no list of violators of this statement, but if there was, I would be on the top of it. For the first time in my life, I have found myself appreciating people too much.
It is acceptable to reward the little things at my job: "oh you did your homework, here's a sticker!" or "you did so well on your test, you can have 5 extra minutes of recess". However, these rewards are given to children... an although some of the people in my life ACT like children, does not mean that I should reward them...like...children.
For example, relationships. Picture this: a person you're in a relationships yells and curses at you every single time you have a disagreement about something. It could be as minute as you calling them too much or as serious as jealousy or possible infidelities, but regardless of the issue- they really give it to you every time. Then one day, you have an argument about something, and they don't yell. They don't even raise their voice. They say the things they mean, avoid the use of passive aggression and sarcasm, and they let you speak.
And the world stops for you.
You are just so appreciative that they are really beginning to change and mature and grow up. You are so thrilled that they have been listening to your frantic requests for respect and solution-oriented conversations that you go out and buy them a new pair of jeans or take them out for dinner or give them a back massage. You see rainbows and gumdrops and you start skipping everywhere and singing in the shower and laughing.
Classical conditioning tells us that rewarding someone for good behavior enough times, in a meaningful way can change their behavior.
And yet, the next night, plans change or an ex-boyfriend calls you up right out of the blue and the fight is right back to the same ground shaking, uvula rocking argument that it has always been.
And how far you have fallen from grace...
So to my two readers, heed this warning : do not reward others for things they should already be doing. This is the fast track to being taken advantage of.
You shouldn't reward someone for something that they should already be doing.
I'm certain that there is no list of violators of this statement, but if there was, I would be on the top of it. For the first time in my life, I have found myself appreciating people too much.
It is acceptable to reward the little things at my job: "oh you did your homework, here's a sticker!" or "you did so well on your test, you can have 5 extra minutes of recess". However, these rewards are given to children... an although some of the people in my life ACT like children, does not mean that I should reward them...like...children.
For example, relationships. Picture this: a person you're in a relationships yells and curses at you every single time you have a disagreement about something. It could be as minute as you calling them too much or as serious as jealousy or possible infidelities, but regardless of the issue- they really give it to you every time. Then one day, you have an argument about something, and they don't yell. They don't even raise their voice. They say the things they mean, avoid the use of passive aggression and sarcasm, and they let you speak.
And the world stops for you.
You are just so appreciative that they are really beginning to change and mature and grow up. You are so thrilled that they have been listening to your frantic requests for respect and solution-oriented conversations that you go out and buy them a new pair of jeans or take them out for dinner or give them a back massage. You see rainbows and gumdrops and you start skipping everywhere and singing in the shower and laughing.
Classical conditioning tells us that rewarding someone for good behavior enough times, in a meaningful way can change their behavior.
And yet, the next night, plans change or an ex-boyfriend calls you up right out of the blue and the fight is right back to the same ground shaking, uvula rocking argument that it has always been.
And how far you have fallen from grace...
So to my two readers, heed this warning : do not reward others for things they should already be doing. This is the fast track to being taken advantage of.
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